Growing up, anger was the “go-to” emotion for me internally. Being angry became a norm and it wasn’t a good feeling. It was one of the main emotions in my home as a child, along with being happy, but that was it, just those two emotions. I felt controlled by the two extremes. I didn’t have to take ownership for what was wrong with my life, I just used anger or happiness to defend myself. I never realized how much pride was wrapped into my anger and how trying to make others happy kept me preoccupied from what was really going on inside.
If I wasn’t the best at sports then I would get angry and compare myself to others becoming envious and jealous. I didn’t care as much about grades. I focused on sports because school was social for me and I just wanted to have fun. Sports were super important in our small town, so being an athlete became my identity and I felt pretty important. I didn’t realize that I was trying to numb my feelings through sports. Being physical was good for me in one aspect; it was a good avenue to get anger out and help me feel better, but it also helped me ignore the condition of my heart and how I felt.
Words of affirmation, compassion and comfort were missing from my childhood. Even though my parents did the best they could and do love me, I still felt the absence of those words: you are enough, we’re proud of you, you’re beautiful, we love you. The sexual abuse that repeated throughout most of my adolescence clouded my perspective as well.
"God made me in His image."
Over time, subconsciously I began to live from the belief that I wasn’t enough. To be “enough” I focused on my physical appearance and physical performance, seeking love and affirmation, hoping to find some sort of worth and value. I became pregnant at the age of 17 with my son Maxwell who is now in his thirties. Being a teen mom actually ended up being a really good thing for me, as it gave me direction and purpose. Maxwell has been an incredible blessing in so many ways!
Throughout my early years, I found myself being overrun by this insatiable desire to please others…and just mold to whatever other people wanted, it was exhausting. I lost my own sense of self, personality and preferences, to the point where I was out of control and destructive in my behaviors. Eventually, I let some of my wilder ways go and dove headfirst into fitness.
Fitness was easy for me due to being a life long athlete. I was able to throw my energy into being successful in the eyes of the world, working hard, and being productive. It certainly wasn’t all bad, there was a lot of good in it, but my heart never actually got healed.
My first real encounter with the Lord was when I began dating JC. It was the first time I heard God’s voice and what he said was: “This is the one for you.” Falling in love with JC was the first time I had a relationship with someone who I respected, who was a lover of God, who was healthy and motivated in his life because of self-confidence, self- respect and humility. It made me keenly aware of what I did not have and what I wanted. We went to a church together that started to open the door to my heart. Through that opening of my heart, JC and I ended up getting baptized, I was in my late 30’s. Going to church, understanding the Word more, and getting baptized were steps to opening my heart—but it was far from being fully open. I wasn’t even aware of how closed and hard my heart really was. I was shocked that I had some thick walls up.
As my relationship with the Lord grew, I realized He wanted my WHOLE HEART. Through the process of becoming a certified Christian Life Coach, I learned about my personality type, what my values and strengths were, spiritual gifts, and so much more.
"As I’ve continued to walk out my freedom, kicking out the lies I once believed, I’m filled with love, joy, peace and contentment, knowing who I am, and whose I am."
Not long after that certification, I attended a faith and wellness conference through an invitation from a close friend. It was at that conference, for the first time, that I felt absolute remorse for the sins in my life. I realized that I was broken and lost and needed a Savior. It was at that conference that I learned how much God loves me, how He sees me, and how important His truth is. The walls started to come down and my heart began to open. It was scary, uncomfortable and freeing all at the same time.
God has been slowly healing me from the inside out. Where I once was driven by anger, He has grown in me compassion and empathy, patience and grace. Where I was once bound by envy and jealousy, I now have internal self-respect and confidence. I actually really like who I am and who God created me to be. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else! I like that I’m optimistic, laugh a lot, have an intense measure of faith and that I love to help people! And now, my life work is all about empowering and equipping other women to walk into their own healing.
Because God is the center of everything in my life now, there is no room for the toxic cycle of lies that exhausted my life for far too long. He is teaching me to bask in His love and grace, which allows me to love myself and others, not being afraid to dive into the emotions of my own heart.
"As I learned the live out my values, I’m healthier and happier personally and professionally."
I can honestly say that for almost 40 years of my life, even though I wasn’t aware of it, my actions and emotions were motivated from a place in my heart that felt unworthy, rejected and unloved. Now, everything in my life is because Jesus gently and lovingly has pursued my heart and has shown me that He sees me as worthy and enough. There is no more striving, driving, perfectionism or control. I no longer look for my identity in this world or to be known for my accomplishments. I want to be known for how well I know and love God and for how well I love others. I am more me because of Christ! I am more alive because of Christ! My identity is in who God says I am - a treasured possession, fearfully and wonderfully made, unique, a victorious warrior, a child of God, and so are you!