Ali’s Journey – What Happened When I Unplugged

What Happened When I Unplugged?

For the past 5 years I was hearing God say “rest”, “be still”, “be”, I didn’t listen. I didn’t listen because I am a good doer. I am a worker. I am productive. I like to check things off my list. My worth was partly tied up in what I accomplished in my life and by keeping busy, I must be worthy because I’m so productive, right?

After taking on a bit too much in March, my body was not happy. Not only was I tired but my body was not digging workouts – first time in 25 years. I use to get energy from working out, now it was only making me more tired. The mind body connection is NO joke! I see it in my clients all of the time, but now I was experiencing it. My body was begging me to unplug.

Going mad dog for the past 9 years by opening 2 fitness businesses has taken it’s toll. In May I was hearing God say take time off. After talking to my McSmeetchie and him agreeing, I did something I never thought I would do – take a MONTH OFF, the ENTIRE month. No work, no emails, no Facebook, none of it. I unplugged totally from my work life and I’m a person who loves to work. I love what I do. But it’s my season to work on my spiritual journey. I’ve worked on my physically and professional journey, but God was challenging me to dig deeper, to get to know him, to let some walls down, to get vulnerable, to grow spiritually. This was all new – me, not in control, I like control. 😉

Not only did I go into the month by not doing any work, I also decided not to lift weights, something I haven’t done in 25 years. I love lifting weights. I love being strong. But, it wasn’t my time to be strong, it was my time to be “weak”. “My strength is made perfect in weakness.” -2 Corinthians 12:9 When I am weak, God is strong. This “weak” word is foreign to me, I don’t like to be weak. I’ve always been the strong one, this was new territory for me. I’m learning that God doesn’t look to our strengths but to our weaknesses as a means of inserting his love into our hearts. It was time to let some love in.

You see, I was sexually abused throughout my childhood and kept that secret until recently. I was a fighter. I am/was a survivor. I put my head down and go. When something bad happened I shoved it down, put on my backpack of rocks (shame, anger, not enough, rejection, unloved, etc.), and kept moving, not stopping. I honestly thought if I kept moving and kept doing, things wouldn’t catch up with me, they would disappear. I wasn’t letting my past affect me (so I thought). I really thought you could shove things down and they would just go away. Brené Brown hits it on the head – “If we stop long enough to create a quiet emotional clearing, the truth of our lives will invariably catch up with us. We convince ourselves that if we stay busy enough and keep moving, reality won’t be able to keep up.” But, whatever is in us, must eventually come out. This is never a place we go looking for, God was pursuing me and I knew it. God wants to transform, renew, and free me, as he does you my friend!

A good friend of mine gave me the book Unashamed by Christine Cain. Christine was also sexually abused throughout her childhood (sadly, a common trauma for a lot of women). Christine and Joyce Meyer gave me a language for things I was feeling. I was realizing I had a broken heart and a wounded soul, I was surprised. I really thought I’ve been “fine” this whole time. Sitting and “feeling”, talking about feelings and crying was not part of my upbringing. Stand up, dust yourself off, buck up and you’ll be fine was how we rolled. All I knew was to be a fighter, a worker, to go and to do. Which was great, it got me to where I am today.

Now at 45, being an empty nester for 9 years and my businesses doing well, I have felt God tugging at me to work on my spiritual journey. That means sitting, being, reading, praying, reflecting, journaling, feeling, etc. This is new to me, unfamiliar, foreign. This is the opposite of everything I am and did.

I was always a closet crier – literally. When I felt the need to cry, which wasn’t often, I would sit in my closet. It felt safe. It felt comfortable. It still does. But I’m working on this. I know it’s ok. I know it doesn’t mean I’m not strong. I know it feels good when I let it out. I do cry at movies now (progress). 😉

I didn’t have a relationship with God growing up. I was brought up Catholic and we went to church every Sunday, but that’s about it. I lived my life the way I wanted to live it. In my early twenties I felt a pull to check out churches and get to know Him more and wen to a non-denominational church. It was great and something I had never experienced – church being fun. Not until my late 30’s did I really take it more seriously and accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and got baptized. After attending a faith based conference four years ago, some walls came down and I felt God’s love for the first time. It was awesome! It’s been a wonderful journey ever since and more and more freedom keeps coming.

“The path of our healing is not one of self-improvement, but rather, of self-surrender.”
Taken from the book Embracing the Love of God by James Bryan Smith

What I did on my sabbatical.
I went to the spa, finished the book Living in Rhythm with Life and Unashamed, did Bible plans through the You Version Bible App, journaled, took photos to journal my days, went on a lot of walk and talks with my good friends, prayed, talked to God, allowed myself to be comforted and nurtured by God, went to Lake Geneva with McSmeethie, played tennis, took day drives in our convertible and soaked in the beauty of Wisconsin’s countryside, listened to a lot of Joyce Meyer podcasts, watched quite a few movies, went to a polo match, saw friends and family, enjoyed live music, redefined and rewrote my core values, went to The Moth storytelling event, checked out a church, got my first Erin Condren planner, went to The Abbey Resort with my soul sister, and enjoyed just being and losing track of what day it was.

What I learned.
1. I was a lot calmer and more peaceful.
2. I enjoyed daily household chores a lot more.
3. My identity is not in my career. I am more than my career.
4. It’s ok to be vulnerable when you’re with peeps you feel safe with. It’s ok to be uncomfortable.
5. I don’t need to be in control.
6. It’s time to surrender to the person I believe I should be and be all that God is calling me to be.
7. I need to grow and be more mature emotionally and spiritually.

What I’m going to do.
1. I’m going to take a sabbatical every July to reflect, grow and be a better me from the inside out.
2. Take life more slowly. Sit, pray and reflect more. Soak in the good around me. Be more present.
3. Have more fun and enjoy life even more. “I have come so that you might have life, and have it more abundantly.” -John 10:10
4. Get to know God more and His word.
5. When I have feelings and I’m a bit uncomfortable about it, I’m going to acknowledge them and let them flow.
6. I’m going to work on being a human BEing rather than a human doer.
7. Figure out what my fears are so I can walk through them one-by-one (#5 is one of them).

I’ve lived my first 45 years my way and it’s been pretty darn good. But I’m going to live the rest of my life for God because I know He can take me beyond my wildest imagination.

We are called to enjoy life. Are you enjoying your life?

My challenge for you.
Take some time off and do your own sabbatical, even if for a week. Unplug from the world and what it tells you and figure out who you are, what you need to heal from and work on. Allow God in so He can heal your heart and soul. Be all God is calling you to be. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s worth it! Deep down we all long to be free. What are you waiting for?

Knowing God’s love is beyond any love we’ve ever experience and ever will!
Let Him love you, that’s all He wants. This is how He loves…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. – 1 Corinthians 13:4

We are emotional, physical, and spiritual beings. Our emotional and spiritual trials show up in our bodies physically.
Instead of focusing so much on the outside start working on the inside and see what happens. Dare to go on your own spiritual journey, a journey of the heart.

Shine On,
Ali

P.S. After teaching two strength classes after being off for the month, I was SO sore I could hardly bend over. Yep, I kicked my own butt! 😉