Objective was to work on issues from the past, stored anger, a lighter heart and figure out who I really am.
I have to say, the month of March flew by.
This is a hard one for me as I am a private person when it comes to personal things and this is way out of my comfort zone, but here it goes…
Even though I have loving, hard working parents who gave us a comfortable life, the one thing they never gave us were compliments or praise, especially in sports where my brother and I really excelled. I know they have always wanted us to be the best we could, but instead it brought anger, jealousy of others, and the need to seek attention.
Even though I was born with a happy, positive soul, I have always had a deep, underlying anger since I can remember. I always longed to have parents that you could come home to and tell them just about anything. Parents that let you be you. Parents that would try to relate to you, understand and help or God forbid you could cry to and express your feelings to. As mentioned above, they are great people just not very deep. There were never talks about how you felt about something or what you thought about this or that.
Now at 40, I felt that I was searching. Who am I now? I have done everything I set out to do. Maxwell is in LA and on his own, I have owned two businesses, I have the most amazing husband ever, wonderful friends, family, home, we travel, etc., now what? Who am I now? Have I really ever known? This is a strange spot for me. So it started me thinking about life coaches, therapists, psychologists, etc. I have to admit, I was one of those people that thought a therapist our psychologist were great for others, just not for me. 🙂 “Why would I need help, I should just be able to figure it out.”
After talking to a dear friend about my past and contemplating meeting with someone, she recommended Sharon Hale. Knowing that Sharon was a Christian was a must. I knew that if I were going to work on this, that I needed God to be apart of the healing. I do not believe that a therapist or psychologist alone can “heal” someone. I also do not believe you can “heal” yourself on your own.
I have to say, I was very nervous. I can talk about anything, just not about how I feel. What was I so afraid of? That I would cry? (anyone that knows me well, knows I only cry in my closet) That I would feel stupid? Vulnerable? Who cares, so dumb.
I met with Sharon and she was very sweet, soft spoken, nonjudgmental and kind. I was surprised that I enjoyed it at all. Getting answers and insight seemed to give me some peace at the time. What I learned from meeting with her so far is:
1. Anger covers something else up, what is it covering up for me? I am still working on this one.
2. Parents are supposed to be a mirror for their children, giving them feedback so later in life they know who they are. This never happened for me as a child, which has made it hard for me to feel like I ever really fit in. This is why now at this stage in life, I am wondering who I really am.
3. We need to look at our experiences so we can know why we are reacting and feeling the way we do about ourselves currently.
4. Journaling for 20 minutes without stopping or thinking. The 20 minutes is important as the inner critic will shut down by then. When one journals it makes us more aware of ourselves and is a way of knowing ourselves at another level. Experiencing God’s presence with us, says Sharon.
5. Part of my anger is sadness. Sadness that I was never able to open my heart to my parents. I never went to them with any problems, I wasn’t brought up that way. I was brought up to figure it out, and that everything would be “fine”, a word commonly used in our home.
I am not blaming my parents. I know they did the best they could do with what they had and how they were raised. We are all products of our own childhood. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about any of this, as I know this will be the first time many are hearing this. It is real and is something that needs to be looked at so I can move forward as a healthier, more aware person. It is also important for parents to realize how extremely important their words are to their children. That children do need feedback, the good and the not so good. Giving a child all compliments and praise is not healthy either.
It has been great to have Maxwell. Everything that I wanted from my parents, I gave to him. We have always had a strong and open relationship. I don’t judge him, I just let him be who he is at that moment. I have always told him I love you every day and multiple times in a day. I listen to him. I ask him a ton of questions about himself, which also helps him find himself. I told him when he was being a turd. I stepped back as he became a teenager and let him have his falls, but was always there to help him get up, even though I was angry with his actions. I let him be who he was meant to be and for him to figure it out. I have always supported him and I have always loved him more than anything on this earth.
I am not saying it was easy, and I am not saying “look at me, I am such a great parent”, but I always looked at it as if this were me in Maxwell’s shoes, what would I have wanted my parents to do. It has brought me great joy to see what a well adjusted, smart, talented, humorous, kind, loving and compassionate young man Maxwell has become. It warms my heart to know that he is independent, self sufficient, strong, adaptable, and able to do anything he truly desires. And no matter how late at night it is, I always look forward to our conversations.
I have stopped the cycle and you can too.
How did your month go? Are you learning anything about yourself? Haven’t started your Happiness/Goals Project yet, start now, why wait? Dealing with past anger? Deal with it now and learn to get rid of it! Wishing you a fabulous April of growth and openness. Always happy to hear from you!
Ali
