A client of mine recently sent me a talk by Brené Brown on The Anatomy of Trust. The talk inspired me to write about it and ask you: How full is your marble jar?
I personally love listening to Brené speak and really enjoyed her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” (she has a few others as well). She gives language to thoughts and feelings we all have.
Here are my notes from watching her talk, but please watch the talk on your own. It’s a must watch to help you be a healthier and happier you. And, if you have children, it will help you raise them to have a full marble jar.
The Anatomy of Trust
Trust is like a marble jar. For every marble that is in a jar, people have earned your trust for that marble.
What do your friends do to earn marbles in your marble jar?
Studies show it is the very small moments where trust is built. Not the big moments, the small moments.
Examples are:
1. Your boss asks you how your mom’s chemotherapy is going.
2. Your neighbor drops everything and comes over when you need her help when you’re having an issue with one of your children.
3. One of the biggest moments was when one attends a funeral. Showing up for people during a loss.
4. Another big one was, asking for help.
Over time people have done small things (like some of the above) to earn the right to hear our stories. Who are those people for you?
What is trust?
Charles Feltman defines trust as: Choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.
He defines distrust as: What I have shared with you that is important to me, is not safe with you.
Brené breaks down the anatomy of trust using the acronym BRAVING.
B – Boundaries
Boundaries are clear, I hold mine and you hold yours. There is respect. This is a huge one I see in most of our lives. We’ve never had boundaries as a child and have not learned them as an adult. It’s about responsibility. Boundaries define who we are and who we are not. There are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries. Boundaries are not hurtful, they are healthy. If this is an area you’d like to improve, the Boundaries Book and Boundaries Workbook are a great resource.
R – Reliability
Do what you say you are going to do. Not just once, but over and over again. You are clear on limitations.
A – Accountability
I own my mistakes, apologize, and make amends. I also let you own your mistakes, apologize and make amends. It goes both ways.
V – Vault
You hold what I say in confidence and vice versa. This is one I see get broke often. It’s not only holding my stuff in confidence but others. When you start sharing others stuff with me, then there is no trust between us. Your trust is now lost with me. If you can’t be a vault for someone else, why would you be a vault for me?! People want to connect so they will use the “junk” of others to do so.
I – Integrity
I have it and you have it. Brené’s definition of integrity is courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy, and practicing your values not just professing them.
N – Non-Judgement
We both can fall a part and not be judged when we do.
G – Generosity – (personally I’d call this Grace)
Being generous with assumptions. If you don’t show up for me like I think you should, then I “check-it out” with you and tell you about it instead of storing it away and blowing up later.
An “aha” moment I had was when Brené talked about those of us that are better at helping than asking for help. When I think less of myself for needing help, when I offer help to someone else, I will consciously or subconsciously think less of them. OUCH! The truth hurts sometimes. When we assign value and worth to helping, it’s not healthy.´
A big part of trust is lost of self-trust. When we fail, we need to walk ourselves through the BRAVING acronym. Where are we getting stuck?
BRAVING relationship with others is BRAVING connection.
Self-trust is BRAVING self-love and self-respect.
If your marble jar is not full and if you can’t count on yourself, you can’t ask other people to give you what you don’t have.
“We can’t ask others to give us something we do not believe we are worthy of receiving.” -Brené Brown
Brené quotes this wonderful quote by Maya Angelou…
“I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”
What one area will you start working on to make sure your marble jar is full?
Shine Brightly,
Ali
